Sunday, July 22, 2007

I'm not happy

I hate it when Luca goes away on a business trip. I also hate that I hate it. I hate it too when people say it’s good for us. How can being miserable be good for anyone?

It’s not just that Luca is my husband. It’s that he’s my companion. And, when he’s gone, I walk around unable to update him on things. Like how the hydrangea that he thought was dead is blooming. Or, how I used all the leftovers in the fridge and made a zucchini, tomato, feta cheese dish that is actually pretty delicious. I hate that I ate it alone.

I hate that in the mornings I stretch out my leg and my foot looks for his until it sticks out on the other side of the bed. I hate that I clean the house and fluff up the cushions and they stay that way, like a living room in a catalog, stiff, sterilized, because no one is here to mess things up. I hate that I get to the office an hour and a half earlier than I do when Luca is around because we don’t get delayed getting “just one more thing” done before walking out the door.

I like the way the world looks after he makes an observation. By way of example, I peek in the mirror and wonder how one night of not sleeping that well can make me look so disarrayed, and know full well that if he were here he’d say I look beautiful. How would not having someone stare at me with liquid eyes and tell me I’m beautiful be good for me? And it’s not about vanity. When we listen to a song, I only pay attention to the lyrics; he tells me what instrument I'm hearing. I hate that I don’t know if that was a bass.

I hate to say it, but this is going to be a long week.

7 comments:

Luca said...

Oh sweetie,

I can't wait to be back and "mess things up"...

XOXO

Dushka said...

Ditto.

Miguel Cane said...

If its of any use, here I am.

I know it's not the same, but I also hate cooking and eating by myself, so if you want to, we can set up a table and share.

Much Love.

Dushka said...

Miguel, any use?
Are you kidding?
that sounds fantastic.

Salud!

Miguel Cane said...

Good!

Here, have some of my roast Octupus salad. It's one of my (new) specialities!

[Lord knows some weeks, even some days, are so long...]

Salud, my dear.

Dushka said...

You can try my zucchini dish!

Miguel Cane said...

Now, that looks tempting.

And the company is MUCH appreciated.

XO